


i'm trying my best to toughen up (for these days)

by Ymae



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: (canon compliant), (possibly future relationship if i continue this), Alex doesn't know Kara is Supergirl, F/F, Lena and Alex still care about each other a lot, Partial amnesia, Post episode 4x13, Somewhat canon-compliant, but they're not really good at communicating, canon divergent after 4x13, except for the fact that Lena and Alex used to date, lena doesn't know kara is supergirl, past relationship, this makes me sad, yeah that
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-03-27
Packaged: 2019-11-13 12:49:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18032057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ymae/pseuds/Ymae
Summary: Post 4x13, Lena discovers the DEO's gym. She sees Alex working out and the injuries she attained from helping Supergirl fight the Elite.When Alex doesn't remember why the two of them broke up, Lena has to face the realization that something is very wrong with her ex-lover's mind.





	1. Chapter 1

Dapples of the evening sun dance on the gray walls of the DEO. Lena is clutching her tablet with one hand, absentmindedly transferring her data to her newest, safer cloud. She could let Eve do it, but her assistant hasn’t had a break all day, and Lena is so grateful for this one person she can trust. She’s trying to convince Eve to call her by her first name, because with all the time they’ve been spending together, Lena is tired of her pride. She needs a friend.

Lena flinches when loud punching sounds interrupt her thoughts.

She looks sharply to her side, where a plain metal door is open a tiny crack. She closes the cover of her tablet and slides it into her purse. Colonel Haley has given her access to a small part of the DEO only; but in an organization that keeps its secrets as carefully as this one, an open door is as good as a screaming invitation.

Lena strides into the room, feeling for a light switch somewhere on the wall.

The white lights flicker on to a plain, big, gray room. Dark blue mats cover the ground, flecks of dust dancing in the stale air. Pale orange sunlight filters through the windows. The air smells of sweat and exhaustion, and there’s a metallic taste to it, like dried blood from a training gone sideways.

It’s the DEO’s exercise room, and the hitting sounds are coming from its farthest corner. Squinting at the woman standing there, Lena sets her purse down by the door and takes off her high shoes. She crosses the room, her feet cold and dirty from the dust and white magnesium powder strewn around on the thin mats.

“Alex,” she calls out when she’s halfway through the room. Slowing her pace, she recognizes that Alex has pushed the punching back all the way from the middle of the place to the walls, going at her workout with worrying focus.

As Lena approaches, she sees that Alex’s messy short hair is slick with sweat. There are goosebumps all over her arms and back, her loose gray tank top damp with perspiration.

Eventually, pressing her arms to her belly like it’s hard to keep her hands from moving, Alex stops. She brushes her hair behind her ear and smiles, a thin smile that doesn’t show her teeth.

“Lena,” she greets, lifting her shirt to wipe her face. Lena is frozen for a moment, both by the sight of Alex’s abs and what’s covering them. Just like her arms, they’re littered with cuts, bruises, patches of discolored skin. It’s not an unfamiliar look on Alex, but usually, her countless injuries are covered by thin layers of gauze and bandages. “What are you doing here? I thought you only did exercise to relieve stress.”

Lena feels her eyes glass over. She doesn’t. She has wine for that. That’s what she tells the Danvers sisters when she wants them to spend time with her. And she’s always stressed, so it’s a good excuse.

Once, she didn’t need excuses to spend time with her best friend.

And, for a much, much shorter time, she didn’t need them to be with Alex either.

“And I thought you promised to go to the medbay after an intense mission,” Lena retorts coldly. There’s a wound on Alex’s wrist that looks freshly stitched, and drops of blood are pearling on her skin. Her knuckles are smeared with it, too, and it’s only now that Lena notices that Alex isn’t wearing any boxing gloves.

“That’s not fair,” Alex says, wrapping her arms around herself like she’s self-conscious of her battered body. In the face of Lena’s steely blue eyes, she looks away, a strange vulnerability to her face. “I couldn’t, I really couldn’t. Haley can’t know about that mission, and I can’t trust anyone around here anymore.”

Lena arches a brow. “Not even the doctors?”

“I’m a doctor,” Alex defends herself. “I can patch myself up just fine.”

Lena walks a few steps closer, curling up her cold toes. It hurts when Alex backs off to the wall, her arms still wrapped around her lean body. She’s shivering now, in that thin tank top and the leggings of hers. At least she’s not in her combat suit for once, though Lena is sure it’s near enough for immediate retrieval; that’s who Alex is now, more than ever, a trained agent with her whole body on constant alert, her mind sharp and clear and steady. She’s prepared for an attack from the outside and inquisition from the inside at all times. Lena wishes she could help her, wrap her up, massage her tense shoulders, kiss her until she melts in her arms.

But she can’t do that.

That short time that she’d been allowed to, that Alex had been all hers, mind and body and heart, Lena hadn’t cherished it. In hindsight, she knows she’d turn off her phone, lock her office, drop her research, if all it did was make Alex smile.

“Wait,” Lena says, a warning undertone in her voice. She steps even closer until Alex has barely any space left between her and the wall. Her eyes are going all sorts of places, but they don’t meet Lena’s even once; her hands are fidgeting in front of her stomach. Lena knows she should keep her distance, especially after how amicably they’ve been handling the situation, with everything else, everything so much more important going on.

_Alex, it’s not personal. I promise._

_I’m your friend. And right now, I have a hell of a lot more faith in you than I do in them. So whatever you need, I’m here._

_Good. That I can trust._

Friend, friend, friend. They were never really friends. They were acquaintances, family, partners, lovers. But after the last weeks, after Lena running to James again after her and Alex’s ending things— _I wasn’t angry, I promise, I just needed space, let’s do this again_ —and her breakup with him on their way to Paris, on Lena’s way to forgetting there was ever anything or any _one_ besides her and James, that there was a time where she didn’t have a boyfriend but  _something_ with her best friend’s sister instead… after weeks of silence, Lena not knowing if Alex felt hurt, and if she had any right to be… after a sudden, sharp refocus of Alex’s general  _aura_ —Lena doesn’t know how to put it any other way—after all that, maybe they deserve to have at least this. Friendship. 

Friends can be angry with each other. But regardless of what Lena can or can’t do, she  _is_ angry. 

“You didn’t stitch up your wrist by yourself, did you,” she says, though it isn’t really a question. “And your head? Did you fix that yourself too? Examined yourself for a concussion? Did you?”

“I’ve been punching a bag for hours, Lena,” Alex replies. She leans a hand against the wall, and Lena sees her fingers tightening against the concrete. “I’m fine. I don’t have a concussion, my injuries feel fine, and as long as you lock the door on your way out, Haley will never notice.” 

“You know that’s not how it works,” Lena says, her voice hard, completely ignoring Alex’s blatant hint for her to leave. “What did you do this time? What was so worth it putting your life on the line—for a job that treats you like a human punchbag?” 

“Helping J’onn,” Alex says quietly. “Assisting Supergirl in destroying a secret, extraterrestrial defense program issued by the President. And my job is important. Maybe I’m not actively helping, but I told you, I don’t trust the government anymore. There _needs_ to be someone acting as a shield between all the aliens whose _lives_ are being threatened and the endless list of weapons the DEO has access to.”

“A human shield,” Lena says bitterly. “That’s always how you’ve seen yourself, haven’t you? I never did understand the countless times you got hurt protecting Supergirl—”

“I didn’t,” Alex interrupts her, a layer of confusion sliding over her eyes. “She’s literally invincible. Today was the first time I thought she might not have a hard heart too.” 

“I’m not very well acquainted with Supergirl these days,” Lena says, her forehead crinkling. “But she does feel emotions. You… You’ve always been the first one to protect her. What changed?” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Alex insists. “I… I think I should go.” She lifts her hand to her head and massages her temples in that particular way that Lena’s come to associate with a headache. 

She sees Alex flinch when the injuries on her shoulders and back are being strained, and possibly the woman has a concussion, and her knuckles are raw and bloody, and she’s shaking with exhaustion.

No way is Lena going to let her drive home by herself. Or, worse, retreat into a silent corner of the DEO until her headache wears off, get up, and right back to work again.

Lena understands now. It’s not Alex’s talents that are wasted on this job. It’s her reckless goddamn heart. Alex is pouring everything into one crisis after another, and this one might just be the first that won’t simply be solved. Bigotry can be undermined with time, but by then, Alex’s life will have sped by her with flashing rear lights. 

Alright, Lena might not be entirely justified in saying this, but she’s not the one who’d lain in bed with Alex in one moment, and then, in the next, got up, dressed, and out the door. A phone call,  _it’s a crisis, Lena, it’s really bad, there’s this terrorist anti-alien hate group, and they’re… I can’t… I just can’t—_ and then no messages for days. 

Then, the Kryptonite in the air. Supergirl again.

_Listen, I know you and Supergirl don’t always see eye to eye on everything. But it means a tremendous amount to us—to me, that you’re always here when we need you the most._

‘We,’ as in ‘Supergirl and I,’ not ‘you and I.’

That kind of devotion is something Lena knows from Alex when it comes to Kara, but for Supergirl, it was too much. 

_People underestimate me._ Lena had been angry, confused, heartbroken, ripped out of a dream before she’d even really felt it was hers.  _But I care. I really do._

She knows she’d put her work before Alex, too. She’d waved her off countless times for the sake of her research without even consulting Alex or letting her in on her project. She’d lied to her and left early in the mornings, but she hadn’t been the only one in the relationship. For once, maybe Alex had almost been the crazier one. 

Lena might have ended things—long before they’d even told Kara about them, or put a name on it—but really, hadn’t Alex been the one who’d backed out? When Lena had come to the bedside of a deathly sick Supergirl, an extra-special suit on the ready (Alex had shot her a  _look,_ but she knew Lena and didn’t ask) Alex had looked at her like she wanted to apologize, to tell her something important, but then she’d deflated. She hadn’t explained herself. Hadn’t tried to justify her unfaltering loyalty for the girl of steel. 

When Lena had been with James, she’d thought  _he_ was bad, but Alex’s protectiveness over Supergirl had been on a whole other  _level._

After that incident, Alex had avoided her. She’d been busy, and there was something small and broken in the corners of her eyes, like a secret with razor-sharp teeth. But whatever it was she felt she couldn’t say; she protected it, and it cost her. 

Lena had broken up with her, then. Usually, she didn’t expect people to put her first, not even in romantic relationships; but with Alex, it had  _felt_ like she’d be that kind of person, and Lena had felt hurt in her pride and her heart that she could have been so wrong about her. 

With James, on the other hand, she knew what to expect. Like she’d said after their second (and final) breakup,  _It was always inevitable, wasn’t it?_ She’d genuinely liked him, even loved, as far as that went, but they hadn’t been a good match. Lena’s pained logic had been that, knowing the end would come, it wouldn’t be able to hurt her. 

Alex and she had gone about their business as usual. Because all of them were so busy, the family gatherings and game nights had been few enough to avoid them methodically without drawing much attention. They’d faded from each other’s lives again. And if Lena sometimes still dreamed of a short-haired woman with bright eyes and an inner strength unlike anything she’d ever felt, well… And if, when she woke up, she rifled through her mind trying to recall why she’d broken up with Alex, why she hadn’t thought her worth the work, and if she couldn’t find a reason, well… in the morning, there was always something of immeasurable importance to distract her. 

“Come home with me,” Lena murmurs when Alex is already a few steps away. Alex turns around, her eyes glinting with a kind of deep pain. Lena blinks at her, sliding over all of Alex’s scars with her eyes, the bullet wounds, the knife injuries, the ragged one at the back of her shoulder where she’d vaguely mumbled something about a credit card and a tracker when she’d been half asleep, the sickeningly symmetrical ones along her back and arms where she’d been tortured, the childhood stitches, and the unhealed ones, the bruises and cuts where she’d apparently fought alongside Supergirl today. Lena wishes she could touch them all, every single one. It’s a clichéd thought, and she knows better than to romanticize scars. But getting to touch all the wounded parts of Alex’s body would mean they’d be intimate again. Would mean trust that extends beyond science experiments and _there’s something wrong with this government._

“You know that’s not a…” Alex’s voice fades out halfway through the sentence. “Not a good idea.” She sighs in relief. “The headache is gone.” 

“You can’t fool me, Alex,” Lena answers, her lips curving upwards slightly. “Supergirl might not have cared enough to force you to get your injuries checked out, but—”

“No, she cares,” Alex interrupts her automatically. She frowns, looking a little pained. “That’s weird. The headache is coming back.” 

Lena crosses the distance between them, considering Alex with keen eyes. “Are you going to let me take you to the hospital?”

Alex meets her gaze tiredly. Her lips have a blue tinge to them, and Lena winces when she thinks of Alex saying she’s been  _here for hours._ In that flimsy top, after an exceedingly exhausting day. The woman’s insane. “You know I won’t.”

“Then you’re coming home with me.”

Alex shakes her head, her unkempt hair falling over her face. She usually carries it in two different styles, at home and at work; Lena loves them both equally, but she’s missed the messy hair. The sleep hair, the shower hair, the one that comes from having sat on the couch for hours on end, listening to music, reading, watching series, with Lena gently threading her fingers through Alex’s hair.

Of course she misses the sex, but if she’s honest, this is worse. She wants the casual intimacy back, those precious few weeks of feeling like she really  _knew_ Alex. Like they fit. 

“I can’t,” Alex says. “You know I can’t.”

“I don’t know anything. I don’t know why we got together in the first place. I don’t know why we broke up. I don’t know what’s going on with you…” _Why you treat Kara differently all of a sudden, why you didn’t argue about giving humans superpowers like you would have a few weeks ago, why you seem to think you and Supergirl aren’t close._ Lena closes her eyes. This isn’t just a matter of science, or just a matter of romance. Now that she thinks about it, there’s something out of place in everything Alex does. In the way she fights. The way she argues. The way she walks, talks, maybe even in the way she thinks. 

That last one would present a problem.

“My mind’s been going all sort of places lately,” Alex admits, and as she’s standing by the windows, the fading evening light frames her from behind. Her hair blazes red. “But J’onn examined me, and there’s nothing wrong with it. Just…” she gestures helplessly. “Stress, I suppose.” She frowns, her eyes a little distant before they refocus. “Lena, I don’t have a concussion. It’s just, I’ve been getting these weird headaches that come and go really fast. But that has nothing to do with our… relationship. You didn’t think we’d work; you broke up with me. That’s okay. It happens.”

“Alex, that’s not fair,” Lena answers quietly, stepping closer again. Slowly, the light is fading, and the room darkens. “You dropped us, just like that. And then you didn’t even tell me why.” 

“I _dropped_ us?” Alex asks, but it sounds more disturbed than indignant. “Why would I do that? I thought it was really working out for us, and fine, maybe I was a little terrified what Kara was going to think… but…” She falters. “I… there was something that really mattered to me. It was urgent, and then the problems just kept piling up…” Alex’s eyes are blown wide open, her skin pale. “I don’t remember what it was,” she whispers. “I just don’t know… anything. I’m... I’m coming up blank.”

“Mercy Graves?” Lena reminds her. “She blew Kryptonite into the atmosphere. Supergirl was dying, and was saved by the suit I invented. Brainy, you and I worked on cleaning the air… you fought Mercy and her brother… Kara was out of town for a bit. Do you…” she hesitates. “Alex, do you not remember any of that?”

“No,” Alex whispers. “Kryptonite… vaguely. But Supergirl? I haven’t worked very much with her. I think I’d remember trying to save her from near death.” 

“ _What_?” Lena’s head spins. “Alex, you’ve saved her a thousand times, and she you. I never really figured out what was the deal with you two, but you’re almost as close as you are with Kara—”

“Never!” Alex blurts. “Me and Supergirl? She’s an _amazing_ symbol for this city, and I’ll admit she impressed me today, but I wouldn’t say we’re _close._ Just last week she burned a gun out of my hand.” 

“Alex, what’s your mother’s name?”

“Eliza Danvers,” Alex answers at once, and Lena can see the moment she understands, her mind switching into scientist mode, just like that. 

“Your sister’s first pet?”

“A cat called… Streaky?” 

Lena bites her lip. “Your ex-fiancée?”

“Maggie,” Alex replies with a sad smile. “Maggie Sawyer.”

“How did you meet?” Maybe this isn’t the best moment, but Lena is genuinely curious. 

“I was…” Alex hesitates. “At a… a DEO crime scene, I think. With… someone. Kara, maybe? I was pretending to be FBI. She was NCPD. We argued about whose jurisdiction it was.” 

It’s a little strange hearing this, because Lena came into Kara’s life about the same time as Maggie into Alex’s. Alex even told her once that she tried to come out to Kara the first time when Lena knocked on the door. It’s odd to think that they knew each other then, that they could’ve fallen in love. 

But no, that wasn’t a good point in time.

Lena wasn’t ready for a relationship then (even less so than she is now), still struggling to build up her company, to find out how to stand on her own feet, how to efficiently deal with the evil that is Lillian Luthor, how to get over people trying to kill her, how to defeat a Worldkiller, how to have a friend. 

Alex was still figuring out if she was straight, and if she wasn’t, what being gay meant for her. She hadn’t ever been in a serious relationship before. Lena knows how perfect Maggie and her had been together; she’d always hoped it would work out for them. She knows that Maggie and Alex could have been married by now, that they still loved each other when they separated. 

For once, the  _what if_ ’s don’t bother her. 

Yes, they could have. Or Lena could have acted on the crush she had on Kara when they first became friends. Or Lena and James could have gotten together earlier and never developed the problems that divided them now.

Lena probably never would have found out how fulfilling a friendship can be, or how good it would feel to have both Kara Danvers and Supergirl by her side.

Alex never would have known the love of one Maggie Sawyer. Never would have figured out the struggles of balancing her relationship with Kara and her love life. 

They've both grown in- and outside of their personal relationship, and that’s what made them so happy together. Because right now, in this point in their lives, Lena could imagine loving Alex, loving her for a long time. The situation is working against them, but their hearts are not. 

“Reason why you began to work for the DEO,” Lena proceeds, expecting an equally smooth answer as to the previous questions. 

Alex opens her mouth and closes it. “I…” She presses her lips together tightly. “Wait… no, I… I don’t know. I hadn’t even finished college yet. J’onn recruited me… but why? I…” Alex covers her mouth with a hand, her eyes dark with panic. “I don’t remember, Lena, it hurts. It hurts to try.” 

Lena can’t stand by and watch anymore. She walks up straight to Alex, hesitating a tiny moment before she wraps an arm around her shoulders. Alex melts into her side, flinching only slightly when Lena gently starts maneuvering them through the room, Alex’s injuries chafing a little against the fabric of her dress. 

“It doesn’t need to matter what we are to each other,” Lena whispers softly into Alex’s hair. “There’s something very wrong here, but we’ll get behind it. Just don’t worry for a moment, okay?” 

Alex nods, and Lena doesn’t comment when she feels a few tears wetting the shoulder of her dress. She pretends not to feel it when Alex’s body starts shaking, the shivering mixing with her attempts to keep the tears at bay; she just holds on tighter, abandoning her designer heels in the DEO’s dirty exercise room, slowly walking them through the dark hallways. 

“I’ll get you somewhere safe and warm,” she promises quietly, pressing a kiss into Alex’s hair, hoping Alex doesn’t notice that her attempts at soothing her are clumsy and not entirely unselfish. She’s just glad to feel the heat of Alex’s body, both as a sign that she’s breathing and real and as a way to center herself. 

Lena Luthor, the multi-billionaire, retrieves an oversized hoodie from the DEO closets, draws the hood over her head, and calls a taxi. 

On the short way to the apartment, ignoring the loud rattling of the car, Alex drifts off on her shoulder. 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

“You need a hand with your girl?” the taxi driver asks. It’s a woman’s voice, rough, tired, but there’s a quiet laughter to it that Lena admires.

“She’s not my—” she starts, then hears how ridiculous she sounds, and looks down at sleeping Alex. Her mouth stands open a tiny bit, the makeup around her eyes smudged, the shadow of a bruise visible on the side of her neck, where her sweater ends. “I’ll handle her,” Lena replies softly. “Give me a minute. I’ll pay, of course.”

“’Course.” The driver says. “Had a girlfriend like her once. Workaholic, huh? Got in a lot of fights. Tough cookie.”

“That’s lovely,” Lena says, warmth trickling through her. Maybe she should do this more often. Not be Lena Luthor, CEO, bi and semi-closeted, for an evening.

Alex always wanted to take her to one bar or another.

_Come on, Lena, usually I just drink alone._ _That’s pathetic._ _No one’s going to recognize you if we do a quick makeover._

_Like that’s going to work._

_It does for Supergirl!_

_You still won’t tell me her identity?_

_We’ve talked about this. It’s not that important. It’s just a little secret._

Alex hadn’t tried to persuade her again, and Lena hadn’t been able to sleep that night. It had been such a little thing, but still, regrets nagged at her. She’d already been halfway to agreeing when she’d just had to pull that stupid question, and Alex and her had spent the evening mostly working alongside each other, though that was a thing they’d promised themselves to stop doing.

Lena had always been comfortable with her sexuality, as long as she kept it to herself. She wouldn’t let her mother look down on her, her brother mock her. She wouldn’t let it be a thing that defined her. Until Alex. She’d seriously entertained the thought of outing herself publicly, because she could feel the secrecy eating away at her lover.

_It doesn’t bother me. Take your time,_ she’d promised, but there was a sharp line around her eyes that told Lena otherwise. 

_Sometimes it feels like I live my whole life in secret. My job, you, my… my family… Sometimes I think despite everything, no one will remember me at all,_ she’d told Lena when she was drunk, when something had went horribly at work. They’d lost an agent, a young woman; Alex’s first death as director.

And wasn’t she right, in a way? Alex Danvers had fought alongside Supergirl for as long as there had even been video footage of Supergirl (Lena wasn’t as much as a stalker as this made her out to be). Still, no one would ever recognize her hard work. And being the secret lover of L Corp’s boss, having a Martian shapeshifter as a dad—that’s what she had meant by ‘family,’ right?—all that meant that Alex had to constantly keep her secrets tightly under skin, concealed from various people at different times.

_Sometimes I feel like no one really knows me._

_Let me know you, Lena said honestly._

_I can’t ask that of you._

_Alex—do you want to be my girlfriend?_

Alex had just smiled at her, and the next morning, she’d been gone. So technically, they’d never put a name on it. And talking to anyone about them would feel like a betrayal to Lena, after Alex hadn’t been able to pour her heart out to anyone, including Kara, for so long.

“Alex,” she murmurs. There’s something so soft and quiet about Alex sleeping, for once, that Lena is reluctant to disturb. “Alex, I can’t carry you. Come on. Wake up.” When Alex still doesn’t stir, Lena takes her by the shoulders and shakes her gently.

Alex’s eyes snap open. Her hand goes to her belt, an imaginary gun.

“Shh,” Lena soothes her. “Everything is fine. Kara is safe. You’re safe. Come on, get up. I’m really sorry,” she says, turning to the taxi driver. The woman nods gruffly.

“It’s no bother. She’s a soldier, that one?”

Lena bites her lip. “You could say that.” When she turns to Alex again, she’s already halfway out the door.

Lena stops to pay, giving the taxi driver one last smile, and hurries after Alex.

The agent is leaning on the doorframe of the tall building, her eyes fixed on the keypad locking her out. There’s a weariness to her that goes bone-deep; and before Lena can reach her, Alex’s fingers reach out quickly to type the familiar numbers.

The digital lock makes a beeping sound, then it blinks red.

Alex turns around, facing Lena with a wry smile. “You changed the code.”

“It’s not me,” Lena blurts, a little out of breath. “We get the new code by email every three months—”

“You shouldn’t have brought me here, Lena,” Alex tells her, tugging at the strands of messy hair, avoiding Lena’s eyes.

“I didn’t know what else to do.”

“You could’ve left me at the DEO. I’m an adult. I can take care of myself—”

“Alex!” Lena snaps, effectively shutting her up. “There’s no discussion. You’re hurt. You don’t want the DEO or Kara to see it. I get that. But if you want it or not, I am going to look after your injuries. If you’re still standing then, you’re free to do as you like.”

“Fine,” Alex agrees. “You fix me up, then I leave.”

 

* * *

 

Lena riffles through her drawers in a futile attempt to find spare clothing for Alex. Alex’s sports gear lies on the bathroom floor in a disgusting pile of sweat and blood and dirt; and Alex’s offer to put on the combat suit stowed in her bag is over-the-top ridiculous, even she can admit that.

Silk blouses, elaborate dresses… finally, Lena retrieves a rare pair of sweatpants. They won’t fit Alex perfectly, but as long as they cover her bruised, shivering skin, Lena is fine with that.

She probably shouldn’t have immediately discarded every single trace of Alex after their breakup, but she’s nothing if not thorough. If you’d search her apartment now, no one would be able to find even a hint of the fact that Lena had not been in one, but _two_ relationships in the past few months.

Except for the empty space over Lena’s desk where Alex’s photo used to be.

“ _Don’t you dare!” Alex threatened, glinting at Lena with dark eyes. “I’ve blackmailed Kara out of displaying every single embarrassing picture of me ever, and I’m not going to start with you! Not to mention the security risks. Right? You’re all about secrecy?”_

“ _Oh, come on”, Lena taunted her playfully. “I’ve told you, this is a private apartment. No one need know.”_

“ _That picture is awful.”_

“ _It’s cute.”_

“ _You’re cute.”_

_Alex tackled her from behind, but Lena managed to lean over the desk fast enough to stick the single photo up on the wall, smirking as she turned around. “See? Not so bad.”_

“ _There’s ice cream all over my face,” Alex complained. “And I’m squinting.”_

“ _You’re smiling,” Lena replied, rolling her eyes. “If you’d do it more often, maybe you’d recognize it.”_

_Alex bared her teeth. “Smiley enough?”_

“ _Sure,” Lena laughed, as she leaned forward to press a kiss to Alex’s lips. Startled, Alex melted into her, and when Lena pulled away, there was still the hint of a real smile playing around her lips._

“ _Happy now?,” she grumbled._

“ _If you are.”_

“ _I’m happy,” Alex promised, all seriousness now. “I really like you, Lena.”_

“ _Aw. I really like you t—”_

_Her phone buzzed in Lena’s pocket. “Yes? Yes, fine. I’ll be right there.”_

_Alex’s face fell. “Work emergency?”_

“ _I’m sorry, Alex, but it’s important.” Lena grabbed her purse, quickly slipping on her shoes._

“ _Let me drive you, at least—” Alex offered._

“ _What if someone sees us?” Lena interrupted her, turning her gaze away. “It’s not possible. Look, another evening, okay? See yourself out.”_

Wincing, Lena returns to the bathroom, where Alex is sitting at the edge of the bathtub, her head leaned against the wall, eyes closed.

“Alex,” Lena says quietly. No answer. After a few seconds, Lena rolls her eyes.

“Sure you’ll leave.” She smiles at Alex’s sleeping form. “We haven’t even patched you up yet.” But deal is deal. Until Alex’s injuries are at least somewhat treated, she isn’t leaving the apartment.

 

* * *

 

Alex’s eyes snap open, and she looks at a dark ceiling.

She assesses the situation in under a second. She’s in a big bedroom with no lights on; through the huge glass front, she sees the buzzing city underneath. It’s early morning, judging by the delicate streams of golden light on the far horizon.

Alex’s racing heart calms a little. She takes three deep breaths before opening her eyes again. She’s sitting in a king-sized bed crammed with four large, soft silk blankets and three pillows. Alex runs a hand over the soft fabric of the mattress. She sighs.

Of course. She knows this apartment.

Now, with her arms exposed to air, she feels the cold sweat all over her body. When she stretches, she almost cries out. Fighting Manchester Black and the Elite had roughed her up just fine; it’d been hard enough getting away from the hat guy after Manchester had flown after Supergirl.

Supergirl had promised further teaming up, but through Alex’s pounding headache, she’d felt something missing, missing, _missing._ Like a giant dark abyss right next to the obvious one, the one she’d tried to get over, the one that confuses her even now.

Lena. She’s in Lena’s apartment.

They’d been together less than three months and yet, Alex knows Lena’s place so well. She’d spent every evening here when Kara had been busy (and this happened frequently—now Alex wonders why, what had kept her sister so busy she’d sometimes took off in the middle of the evening?) In the first few weeks, Alex and Lena had met up with a stack of papers, sat in bed together, and worked silently. They’d paused to eat and to share looks and have lively discussions and to cheer each other on and to kiss.

Eventually, they’d been able to get so little work done that they’d promised to just enjoy the time together.

Alex hadn’t felt this _full_ in a very long time. They’d lay in bed together, mostly in Lena’s apartment because Kara didn’t randomly stop by there. They’d laugh and they’d talk and Alex would fall in love with Lena more with every passing day.

The ugly stuff, the terrible communication and the ignoring and the countless interrupted evenings, that had discolored some of their time together. But not all of it. Not by far.

Alex had never wanted to lie to Kara, but she’d known in her heart that when they’d get a little more serious, Lena would be okay with telling her.

Lena had wanted to keep them a secret for understandable reasons. Sure, they’d argued about Alex wanting to tell J’onn and Kara—but there was some kind of secret that Alex kept, that Lena had brought up every time, and that had effectively shut Alex up.

What was it? Alex can’t remember now.

There’s a headache forming behind her eyelids already. Where’s Lena? Alex needs to let her take care of her damn injuries so she can escape this place. Escape the memories. The current of confusion running through them.

“Alex?”

Alex turns her head to the couch, where Lena sits up slowly. She lifts a hand to her eyes, rubbing her eyelids.

“I didn’t want to wake you.”

“Well, you did,” Lena mumbles. She’s in her pajamas, and Alex instinctively presses a hand to her chest to stop her heart from reacting to it. “It’s fine. Time?”

“Five twenty.” Alex suddenly remembers flashes from the last evening, sleeping in the taxi, sleeping in Lena’s bathroom. She can barely keep herself from opening her mouth and rambling an apology. “Good morning. You can go to sleep again, if you want? I’ll just—”

“You stay there,” Lena warns. She shakes her long hair, and pulls it up into a messy bun in one practiced move. “I’m awake.”

Alex raises a brow. “You hate early mornings on weekends.”

“I do,” Lena says, her hands dropping from her hair to her lap. When she looks at Alex, the emotions in her eyes are indecipherable.

“I—” Alex fidgets with her hands. “I’m sorry about yesterday. I promise I’m fine. And, uh… thanks for letting me sleep in your bed, you really didn’t have to.”

“No, I did,” Lena insists, breaking out of her staring. “Alex, I know you think I broke up with you because—no, forget that, it’s too early. I just mean, whatever you think of me, I care about you, okay? It doesn’t matter what happened between us, or what you remember, the next time you get hurt and don’t have anyone to tell, you come to me.”

“Thank you,” Alex whispers. “But—”

“But you won’t.” Lena’s smile is devoid of all humor.

Alex opens her mouth, but she doesn’t want to lie, so she settles for a helpless shrug.

“You remember how you acted yesterday, right? Because I won’t just abandon you when there’s potentially something wrong with your brain. I get if you don’t want to tell J’onn, or Kara. But you have to promise you’ll let me help you. You’re not alone in this.”

Alex fights against the urge to say something gentle, something that will make her cry. She feels like it’s her first relationship all over again; like she has no idea how to deal with words, or emotions.

_You’re not alone_ are the words that will make her the most vulnerable, and even though Lena probably knows this, she still says them so _genuinely._ There’s no pity, no lie, no pretense.

Lately, Alex has felt so alone she’s wanted to scream.

Her family has always been enough for her, but there’s something missing in it now, and the absence of it feels like it’s burning.

In the end, she settles for, “thank you, Lena,” in a quiet voice, but Lena looks like she knows what she means, anyway.

“So what do we do now?” Alex combs a hand through her hair, forcing herself not to shudder with disgust. They’re greasy, messy, and worst of all, Alex is almost sure that the sticky knot she can feel on the back of her head is dried blood.

She’d meant _what do we do now with this relationship,_ because she’d caught herself up in a vulnerable moment, but suddenly, she’s hyper-aware of her physical condition. All her muscles ache; more than that, they hurt like they’d been washed with acid. The fresh clothes Lena had given her are already damp and covered in suspicious dark stains. Alex can barely feel her hands, with what she’d done to them by boxing without gloves yesterday.

She’d try to pretend to regret it, but she still feels justified in her decision to help Supergirl, and the workout after had been absolutely necessary to burn out her thoughts. The feelings of inadequacy, the loneliness—she used to drink those away, but as director, the few evenings off she’s got are the ones she spends with Kara.

So Alex gets out of bed, refuses to look Lena in the eyes, apologizes for the mess, and asks to use the shower.

In the shower, she has to close her eyes against the ache the memories leave behind. She wonders how Lena copes with this; the biggest part of their relationship had played out against the backdrop of her spacious, tasteful apartment, and Alex keeps getting assaulted by the memories she thought she’d gotten over.

Then again, Lena had probably spent just as much time here with James. More, even.

Before and after.

Alex’s hand feels for the water faucet, and she turns the temperature to cold. It’ll help her remember yesterday night; what things she might have said. The absurd things that never happened that Lena told her about. The end of their relationship, and its winding mysteries that Alex is apparently missing.

The water is cold, and Alex shivers.

_There’s something very wrong here, but we’ll get behind it._

We?

 

* * *

 

“Hey, Alex.” Lena smiles, not looking up, her fingers playing with the edges of the paperwork she’s balancing on her knees.

“Hey, Lena.” Alex carefully weaves her fingers through her wet hair, trying to identify the wound at the back of her head. “You changed the sheets! I could have done that—”

“It wasn’t a problem,” Lena says from the couch, biting her lips as she turns around to Alex.

Alex can’t help the slight smirk tugging at her lips. “I thought you didn’t even know how to do that.”

Lena rolls her eyes. “Quit making fun of me, I just never had to try. You showed me, remember?” Her eyes suddenly focus. “You do remember, Alex, do you?”

“I remember,” Alex says, smiling with tight lips. The tension in the air coils like a whip, stinging in their eyes, until they both have to look away.

The way of their relationship was to leave things unsaid simply by avoiding each other. When they’re directly confronted, Lena is blunt by nature; and Alex’s instincts, the ones she’s tried to unlearn, the ones that tell her to push her feelings down deep, Lena understands them. They were a perfect fit. Hard, straight-forward, while at the same time adept at concealing, at leaving their emotions to be felt on some later day. Hard-working. Deeply affectionate only to the people they care about.

Still, so different. Alex with her crazed protective sense, the deep empathy, the absolute devotion to her cause. Lena with her scientist brain on every single second of the day, Lena with the horribly flawed family, the willingness to reveal huge parts of herself to anyone she meets, despite seeming like such a secretive person.

Alex, who’d found out she’s a lesbian only a few years ago, and is now very out; Lena, who’s known she’s bisexual ever since she can remember, and still hasn’t even told her mother. (Not that Alex can blame her, not _ever, ever,_ for that.)

They’re both close to Kara, and both feel like they’ve been drifting away. Lena, because she’s been so busy; Alex… Alex doesn’t know. Alex misses her sister like hell.

There’s a lot of people she misses and one of them is right in front of her.

“So… you still want to help me figure this out?” Alex mumbles, letting herself drop against the bathroom door.

Lena nods. Alex notices that her hair is still in the same messy bun, and she’s in a loose shirt and dark gray sweatpants, and immediately, she can feel herself relax.

She couldn’t have coped if Lena had decided to make this all business, designer dress and heels and sharp scientist glances.

“Grab yourself something to eat,” Lena offers. “I didn’t prepare anything because—”

“Because you can’t cook.”

“Don’t look so smug, at least I’ve never thrown my—very expensive, by the way—fire alarm into the trash.”

“That was _one_ time.”

“Exactly, because after that I didn’t have a fire alarm anymore.”

“You do have one now, right?” Alex asks, furrowing her brows in worry. Lena smiles slightly, rolling her eyes again, nodding.

“Kara replaced it for me. She said she had to get one of her own already because you chugged _that_ one into the trash too.”

“Traitor,” Alex mumbles, grabbing a fruit at random and taking a bite. “I’ll just eat this real quick and then I’ll leave, okay?” she calls into the bedroom. Lena makes a loud disapproving sound.

“You promised I’d get to check you up before you leave. We can start on the research, if you want? It’s Saturday, I’m sure you can take one day off.”

“Uh,” Alex says, emerging from the kitchen. “I promised Haley I’d—”

Lena raises a brow at her. “You’re ridiculous.”

“Wait. Didn’t you say you’d work day and night on your project?”

Lena sets down her pen, her face shadowing over. “I planned to. The tour I gave you, you saw how important my research is. But my priority right now is helping my—my—”

_I’m your friend._

Alex presses her lids together. She’d thought Lena had broken up with her, clean, heart-shattering, and it _hurt,_ but it was simple. Lena had pursued their relationship for those few months, but she’d found out she didn’t want Alex after all. She wanted James, and they got right back together. Clean, simple. It broke Alex’s heart in two. But clean. Simple.

And now Lena claims that Alex had dropped them, and suddenly, Alex’s memories aren’t so clear anymore. And their status isn’t, either. Does Lena still want her? Why would she?

Does she remember what really happened? Why can’t Alex?

‘ _I’m your friend.’_

_I want to be more than that again, but I thought you didn’t and now I don’t know. I wish you would tell me._

“Okay… the first aid kit is still where it was?”

_I wish you would want me._

“Yes. I’ll get it. You sit down already. You’re limping, and I’m pretty sure you’re going to drop that apple with how your hands are shaking.”

_I wish I’d asked you to be my girlfriend sooner._

“No, no, I’m fine. Let’s get this over with.”

_I wish I could put a name on why my heart was breaking and I wish I could have told Kara but you didn’t want that._

“Do you have a headache?”

_Maybe you never wanted me._

“Not yet.”

 

* * *

 

Alex sits pressed against the soft sofa cushions in a loose tank top, shivering.

“I could do this on my own… ow!”

Lena applies the disinfectant skillfully—everyone around Alex knows how to tend injuries, even if she doesn’t want them to—but Alex can feel her fingers shaking. She grits her teeth against the pain when Lena’s nails scrape against an open wound.

“Yes, I can see that,” Lena answers grimly, taping the gauze in place. She turns her attention to Alex’s arms.

There’s a silence. Alex can feel Lena’s eyes on her, but she doesn’t dare turn around; doesn’t dare breathe.

Lena sits very still.

“Say something,” Alex whispers.

She can feel Lena shift her balance. Her breathing is even, controlled.

“Please.”

Alex closes her eyes. She can hear the faint buzzing of the digital clock, the dishwasher whirring quietly as it goes about its work. A helicopter noisily passes over the building. Someone is talking on the phone in the apartment below.

Suddenly, cold fingers on her upper arm, just where her shoulder ends.

Alex’s eyes snap open, and she makes a muffled whimpering sound.

“Lena?”

Lena’s fingers brush down Alex’s arms, goosebumps creeping over the exposed skin. Alex holds her breath. Then the touch stops, just above her wrists. Alex forces herself not to flinch when the fingers caress the edges of her wound, because they’re cold, but gentle. Almost eerily so.

“Lena—”

Finally, Lena exhales.

“They’re ugly,” she says sharply.

Now Alex turns around, catching Lena’s steely eyes. “What?”

“The stitches.”

Alex frowns. “I know. It’s not exactly easy stitching yourself up.”

“Exactly.” Lena’s tone is still crispy, smooth and controlled, it freaks Alex out.

“What do you mean?”

“You should have come to me!” Lena’s fingers fall away, and she stands up. All the smoothness has faded away from her features, her face is tight and angry. “Damn it, Alex, you’re not in some sexy action movie. You’re not on the run. You’re not undercover or leading some double life—you have a shitty employer, I’ll give you that, but what would have stopped you from just going to a hospital like a normal person? Or asking your sister to come get you? Or getting some goddamn _rest_? I’m _so_ tired, Alex. I’m _so_ tired of always being aware that you’re overworking yourself and being aware that you’re probably bruised all over even when I haven’t seen you in _weeks._ ”

“Well, why do you care?” Alex spits. Her head is turned in an uncomfortable angle, but she’s trying not to move, trying not to upset her injuries because Lena will notice and it’ll make things worse. “You broke up with me, Lena! I _cared_ about you, and then you just—suddenly you told me you didn’t think this would work. I wanted to tell you _yes,_ okay? I wanted you to be my girlfriend and I wanted us to work on our issues and to be better, because I _care_ about you. I still do. I didn’t want to say anything because it felt like it was my fault—how was it my fault?—but it _hurt_ when you went back to James, and I had to pretend to support you, and I had to pretend to be happy for you for Kara. But I can’t just get you out of my head, Lena, I _can’t._ ” Alex can feel her voice breaking and she wipes at her cheeks angrily. The stitches at her wrist tear a little, and she wants to _scream._

“Maybe this was a mistake,” Lena says, her voice completely flat.

Alex looks at her, the cute shirt and the cute pants and the fucking _cute_ bun, and she feels the hiccups coming, and suddenly she’s shaking all over, gasping for air as she sobs.

Lena stands there, looking at Alex helplessly, because they haven’t done this yet. Comfort, yes. Hurt, yes.

But this? Alex is shivering uncontrollably, pressing a hand to her mouth, tears dripping from her face.

Lena turns away, and her eyes fall on the sunrise, now in full bloom. Blood reds and elegant streams of orange mixing with molten gold light.

She turns back, silent tears streaming down her face, and drops beside Alex. Tentatively, careful not to hurt her more than she already is, Lena wraps her arms around her.

They hold each other until the sun is clear and bright in the sky.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So! As you might have noticed, I'm not too big on plot - I'll be exploring Lena and Alex's relationship a bit more, and probably bring some other characters in, and of course the whole mind wipe thing, but my focus is more on the emotional side of things. I don't have a lot of time to write/edit, so sorry for that.   
> (Also, is anyone else here European and kind of terrified about that whole internet censorship thing??)  
> With that said, I really hope you enjoyed, and I'd love to know what you think! :)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Title is from 'Really Gone' by Chvrches (yeah, I just felt it fit.) I haven't had much time to write/edit this, but it'd make me happy to know what you think :)  
> This can be seen as kind of a sequel to 'You Need a Hand to Hold,' but I just thought they'd be happier in that universe, idk  
> I'd also like to write another part if I have time - I couldn't just leave them hanging like this, could I?


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